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Saturday, February 15, 2014

A Bad Day?

I wish I could have felt this way all of my life. And sometimes I wish I could know where my feelings and beliefs come from. I have wanted to be pretty all of my life. Somehow when I was young I got the feeling that I could only be OK if I were pretty. Not pretty in spite of something. Not you would be pretty if you weren't ....... Just pretty. I have no idea where I got the idea that I needed that. When I had daughters I asked my husband if I was as pretty as they were and he said no. Of course by then he didn't like anything about me. But he was right. They are both beautiful and I am still trying to be pretty.

Since I have gained so much weight, I have looked in the mirror every day and been truly disgusted by what I saw. Totally disgusted. I have a good relationship with my sig other and he says I'm pretty. I'm gratified to know that he thinks I'm pretty but I still don't. And sadly, my opinion of myself colors all aspects of my relationship with him and with everyone else. And, in an effort to feel better I've bought enough clothes and jewelry to outfit several women. I have so much of both that I can't keep up with them and stick to uniforms-wearing the same things all of the time.

With the weight loss surgery coming up I am wondering how the changes will affect my psyche. I would love to think that I'm prepared for the changes and I am spending a lot of time reading about and learning about the aftermath. I think one of my goals is just to feel comfortable in my body just once in my life. That would be nice.

1 comment:

Birdie said...

Just today I saw a website ad. for "ugly women" and it knocked me over emotionally. My whole life I felt ugly. When I hit about 8 or 9 I heard it all the time at school. Total strangers have made comments. One time I was walking by a group of boys (I was about 10) and one of them said, there goes an ugly one. Another time I was coming out of a store and a guy made vomiting sounds. All throughout high school I was called the bride of Frankenstein. At this point, there is nothing anyone can so to make me feel even just a little attractive. I am 43 and still have acne. I am overweight, bordering on obese. I look in the mirror and I see heavy wrinkles on my forehead.
I don't know what to say. I see your pictures and I think you are a very attractive woman. I hope the surgery will help bring you to a place where you can feel better about yourself.