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Thursday, October 2, 2014

The habits of a lifetime

I have been trying to deal with the changes that have occurred since the surgery and failing. I'll have to say that sometimes I get the giggles when I try on clothes that used to fit and now hang on me. But I am not doing well on changing habits. Some of them are like addictions I suppose. I have rarely used a recipe as is for cooking. I have never been a meal planner.(just imagine the money I'd still have if I were). Exercise makes me sweat. Sweating makes me angry. I have a lot of trouble remembering things and that includes to make a list.(many times I have made a grocery list and forgotten to take it) I have never been able to keep my emotions on an even keel from one day to the next. I have never been successful on a diet( I wonder why!) I am easily distracted.

One thing I have not been able to distract myself from is a feeling of not good enough. Unworthiness. Being unlovable. I get up in the morning with the wonderful feeling that I can do things. Then by noon, that feeling is gone and I'm trying to work through the feelings that lead to self-sabotage. Thoughts like, I can eat that. What does it matter? Well, it matters. I just think I should put up signs all over the house that tell me to remember what I'm trying to do here. Big signs. And I need to find my true strength.

When I was a child, I lived in fear of disappointing my mother. It got pretty ugly when that happened. I finally went with the "I can't fail if I don't try" thought. And it's been with me ever since. Then in marriage I feared disappointing my husband, and losing the marriage. Again, failure was easy in that relationship where most, if not all, that I did was unacceptable. Passive aggression and not trying stuck with me all 25 years of that relationship. Till the ultimate failure- divorce. I simply wasn't good enough. And I think I've been trying to prove him and my mother right ever since. By internal put-downs. By refusing to take care of myself because I don't deserve it. So I had surgery to help me along. And now I need to follow through. For the first time in my life, I need to do it for me. I can't quit now. So I'll keep trying to change the habits of a lifetime.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Boy I sure didn't expect this.

So I had the surgery in February. And at first everything went great. And I was really pleased. But after a while the same things as before the surgery happened. I'm down 50 pounds and stuck there. And I've found that my emotions are all over the place. My body doesn't work like it did. My mind and emotions don't behave the same way. Things I loved before, I don't even like now. Things I thought I'd conquered are back in a big way. For instance, did you know they make mini ice cream sandwiches. And I thought it would be a good treat. And it would if I could eat just one. But my demon was not removed when I had the surgery. I go from feeling great to self-destruct in an instant. And no, I'm not manic-depressive or bipolar. Just reacting to a lifetime of messages that sadly can't be cut out.

I've put off making a commitment to go to a therapist. But when I go to the doctor this time, I'm going to try to get a referral. At least a couple of times a month would help. I think.

Meanwhile I'm trying to motivate some changes again. I get a handle on things then it slips and more slips till I'm sliding. I used to think I handle change well. Not so much.


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Black?

 I'm not sure. Too much or too little in both pics? I'm not sure.

Mistakes?

Men's shoes. Short pants. Skinny legs. Not a good combo.
Oversized rugs.
A childish look and even a child would look odd wearing it.
Fancy dress, ratty sweater. Mixed? UM NO
Let's tie one on.




Sunday, April 27, 2014

Changes

I'm certain that I'm the same person I was a couple of months ago. But then again, maybe not. I know I look better in my clothes. I know I feel better and more able to do things. And I know that I'm not so willing to put up with bullshit anymore. Things that made me feel bad about me are starting to make me angry. Things that I took on as my fault are no longer my fault. I saw that the reason for my unhappiness was my weight and feeling ugly. OK. I still have a lot to lose and I'm very anxious about that but guess what---- I am getting more able to look at the things that hurt me as being the things I can give less importance to. This is an unexpected result of the surgery.

I looked back on the last 25 years in photos. I've been fat for many years. I've fooled myself into thinking that I was smaller than I really was. I'm not proud of that. It's a reality. So even the clothes I had grown out of are going to be too big. I'm aware that I wouldn't allow pictures to be taken of me. I felt like a big clown. My sig other seems to think that everything bad that happened yesterday and before is to be forgotten and never looked at again. Of course that includes whatever I'm mad about at the time. But I'm not good at letting go of hurts. I try not to dwell on them but they are there in my memory banks and they come up. My years of not being comfortable with my body are there and can't be ignored no matter what. If I forget them, I'm afraid I'll not be able to follow through on the plan for the next years.

I'm dealing, and not very well, with habit, boredom, and head hunger. I'm going to need to go to a therapist if I can't get a handle on the problem. I'm also dealing with a lot of change. Confusion about me and where I am in life and what I should be doing. Fear of failing at the weight loss. Again. Problems with staying focused. I'm easily distracted so focus is a real and present problem.

I'm planning a trip to see my children in Jacksonville. I haven't seen them in a very very long time. I'm jealous of my ex and his ability to travel to see them whenever he wants. I would love to have the money to do that. But I don't. There are other reasons that travel is a problem for me and I'm just going to have to do what I can to fix that. I need to be with them right now but I can't go just yet.

Been cleaning out the junk and even the good stuff in the house. I have 3 bedrooms upstairs that are unused. They were full of junk. And things I thought I would sell. I haven't sold them in the 4 years I've been thinking about it so they went/are going to charity. I really believe that getting rid of some of the stuff I've been hoarding will help me clear my mind. And take a weight off my shoulders. And help me to continue to lose pounds. Damn but it's hard work filling those black garbage bags and carrying them down the stairs to go to the dump or to charity. I thought I'd be happier about it. But I'm also realizing how much money I spent trying to make myself feel better about myself.

I'm a jumble of thoughts and feelings. As is obvious. I'm glad I can use this blog to vent and I hope anyone reading doesn't get too turned off.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

More and more

Hello and Happy Easter. Today I'm going to eat dinner at the home of my Honey's Mom. She is fixing soft veggies for me and I'll be eating something I'm not used to so I'm really looking forward to it. I want to talk a little about focus.

I've joked that I have ADD. I have never been diagnosed but I have a lack of focus a lot of the time. I've always been easily distracted. I have a crappy memory and often forget what I'm supposed to be doing. In order to use the weight loss surgery to the best advantage I'm going to have to do better. I'm finding old habits of night eating coming back. I'm eating too much and too often, with no thought going into it. I have head hunger. Habit hunger. And I've been told to get me to a therapist. That is something I really don't want to do. I spent three and a half years in therapy. It's really hard to break in a new therapist. I keep hoping to find new ways to deal with the problems. Before I go to a therapist I'm going to try setting eating and snack times and posting them in the kitchen. I also forget meds and can use the same system. It's like training a 2 year old only I'm the toddler. Old dog plus new tricks equals improved systems. I hope.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Latest

It's been about 6 weeks since my weight loss surgery. I've lost weight but now I wonder if I haven't traded being fat and mad at myself for being slow to lose and mad at myself. I went to a support group meeting and there were people there who had surgery on the same day as me and they had lost more. I was totally disheartened. I totally forgot about the fact that weight loss depends on other factors than just what is eaten.

I have been reading a book about how to have a fuller life. It suggests serendipity listing. For example: instead of focusing on my feelings of failure, I could write down that my neck is a lot smaller and some necklaces I couldn't wear now fit. Rings are fitting and may be getting too big. I've been able to get into things I couldn't wear and my old clothes are now getting way too big. I'm walking all of the way around a grocery store without needing to sit down. Most of the time I make it through the day without a nap.

I've been going through my closet and a couple of other things and I took 9 large bags of things to a thrift store this morning. I truly think that the people who see a lot of these things will be getting a big bargain. But from here on out I'll try to sell some things, mainly clothes and jewelry. I will probably need some new clothes and it would be nice to have the money.

One thing that has occurred is that I now need to get some more things done in the house. Painting and cleaning, sewing and crafting. I took the wallpaper down in the kitchen and other rooms and never finished the job. Got a bad back and fat. It certainly slowed me down and gave me an excuse to not finish. Well there is another excuse. The paper under the plastic of the wallpaper won't come off for me. Unbelievable. So I'm going to hire painting and wall prep, etc. I suppose now that I'm beginning to look better, I want my surroundings to help keep me feeling good. I know that if the house is a wreck I'm depressed and that doesn't help the health situation. I also know that the clutter is a hindrance to cleaning. Since I perceive my style to be simple bohemian I'm focusing on the simple right now. I had so many tops in my closet I couldn't see them all and there were tons of them that didn't fit or that I wouldn't wear. I also bought a lot of clothes to make myself feel better. And some of them were big mistakes. I'm going to ebay them.

I'm supposed to be eating pureed foods now. I can't say enough about how much I'm ready to say goodbye to that. But I have developed a fondness for tuna. With a bit of mayo and sweet relish. And I'm going to be forever grateful to fat free cottage cheese. I feel almost like I'm eating real food. As is my habit I've ordered several books with recipes even though I've rarely followed a recipe ever. So I'm going to take the books on the surgery without recipes and see if anyone wants them at the next support group meeting. And I'm being really grateful for the fact that fish is easily mashed.

I'm looking forward to getting out of plus sizes. I still look at clothes on the internet. I don't know where I belong and I'm reluctant to buy. It's amazing that I didn't look more carefully before. I still have a large midsection and a lot of things for plus ladies have a waistline, which I lost a long time ago. Pull on stretch pants have been a saving grace for me. But now I'd sort of like to have a pair of jeans. I don't like the really low waisted jeans because I think they make a woman who isn't skinny look thick in the middle. But I'd like some jeans that don't look fat. That don't look like mom jeans. That don't have big legs but aren't so tight they wrinkle. And that don't have a camel toe. But they say patience is a virtue. And in the meantime I'll go to the Y a couple of days a week and try to do something about the belly.

I've heard people say their surgery didn't work. I've heard people say they are sorry they had the surgery. I cannot agree. I am no longer diabetic, and my sleep apnea has greatly improved. The daily irritations are really no more than I had getting older and being fat. The benefits are super. I can breathe. I can cross my legs. I'm able to get up off the floor without help. I'm pleased.