Friday, November 27, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Have I changed or has he? Or is this just a fluke? I am often second guessing myself because of the increase in age. Do I still have any judgement? Is my brain working? Am I just prone to make mistakes in thinking? When you grow up with a situation like mine it's hard not to second guess every move, thought, or belief. One thing I am sure of, if there is a period of general calm and good feelings, it will end. With a bang, often. And not to sound paranoid, I think I'm just not meant to have peace. I don't think I actively seek out drama. But the choices I've made seem to lead me there. I have needed to put thought into the outcomes of my actions and even then I make wrong decisions.
What you are hearing from me now is a really bad case of depression. I'm scared of what the future might hold if some things don't get resolved. I was told many years ago by my therapist that I have abandonment depression. And that means an irrational fear of being left alone. Of a lack of acceptance, and of not being good enough. I've worked really hard over the last 25 years since the divorce and I thought I had a handle on the crappy self esteem. But then here it is. I can't call it the black dog because I have a black dog. It is, for me, more of a black fog. Dense, with no light shining through. And above all else, it is painful. It really hurts, physically. I want to shrink, to hide, and to never again see the light of day. I'm so tired.
Friday, July 17, 2015
AS far as the weight loss thing, the surgery only takes you so far. A great jump start. If you go into the surgery thinking you'll never have to diet again, you might as well not get cut. I found quickly that I can eat every hour. Just not so much at a time. And I found that I still have a taste for carbs and that hasn't lessened at all. Nor have the excuses I give myself for the poor eating. I'm really good at lying to myself. And I found that being organized is a huge deal. (check paragraph one). In short, I haven't been good at changing anything but the size of my stomach. And someone else did that for me.
I have a few things to recommend in spite of the lack of organization. I have joined Bookbub.com. I am pleased to say that I have been able to cut my book spending by a lot. I have two Kindles and they are both full of books to read. I'm trying to keep my mind busy instead of eating. Bookbub offers an array of books by email every day for the kindle or other reading ap. And the books go from free to about 1.99. You choose your genres and get several offers. All of course from amazon. It is a great way to get reading matter without filling up the house with things that will eventually hit a land fill.
I have something to say about my mental state. Yes I do depression, and I do it well. Part of my problem may be a form of ADD. I've never been diagnosed and I'm not going to try now. But I'm easily distracted, have trouble sitting still and even reading a super book for over 30 minutes without getting up to do something. It is a pain in the ________. I've been reading about mindful living, mindful eating, mindful loving. I spent the whole of my younger life doing a lot of avoiding, reacting, afraid of what's coming, and not being proactive about much of anything. My children suffered. And now that I realize what mindful living is, I'm trying to be more engaged in life in every way. I have a mile long list of shouldn'ts, can'ts, don'ts, and the guilt that goes along with not doing things right. I remember going to a school function dressed all wrong and wondering why I didn't know the right way to do things. I was disconnected from life. Bouncing along on my lonely road by myself. I had no idea how to find things out. I'm doing better now. And I'm happier now. It all seems to boil down to the self-confidence needed to carry off life. I'm working on it, mindfully as possible.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
One other thing I've been learning about and I'm working on is how to best handle stress. I'm not sure I know what it's like not to be stressed. I think I'm prone to guilt about just about everything I don't do perfectly(which is just about everything) and that adds to my stress. Since I discovered blogging and the posts of others I've been prone to compare myself to them. And failing to live up to their beauty/organization/creativity. But that is something I've been doing all my life. It's a behavior that was begun in my childhood and continued in my marriage, encouraged by my mother and my spouse. I was divorced 26 years ago. My mother died 27 years ago. I don't know why I'm still doing this. I'm definitely not awful in looks, housekeeping, creating. So I need to stop putting myself down. I just wish I knew how. I even berate myself for caring too much about myself and my feelings(selfish). So this is why I've been hiding from the world. I had hoped to be able to relax in my old age. Still hoping.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
During all those years, things were going on behind closed doors that the greater population didn't know about. Fathers hit wives in front of the kids. Kids were assaulted by family members. And by neighbors, teachers, etc. And soon by each other. We sort of knew it happened but of course not to someone we knew. And God forbid we should talk about it. I have no statistics on if and when it became a public matter. Meanwhile our morality has been on the line. By morality, I'm not speaking of consensual sex. The media became our new measurement about those things. Dramas about abuse are everywhere in the media. On TV and in the movies we can see sex and violence of all sorts and even see it glorified. It should make us angry, very angry. It should.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
That is just one of the fun aspects of winter weather. I can truthfully say the Tennessee is better than Illinois, New Jersey, Michigan, New York, etc. I haven't had to dig myself out of drifted snow in a long time. I love looking at the world when the snow is coming down and hasn't been run over by vehicles, footsteps, and snowplows. It's so beautiful. And so quiet. And so deadly for some. But it is not dreary.
I picture the beautiful scenes of horse drawn sleighs going over the river and through the woods. But reality is more like SUVs sliding down the hill into other SUVs and mailboxes. It includes horsepower not being enough to get somewhere. Maybe in some instances dreary is better.
One other thing that I must address about dreary is the lack of color. I think my largest complaint about dreary weather and lack of sun is that there is so much gray. The color of the roads should be anything but gray. Green would be nice. And I'm also trying to make my home into an antidote for the drears. I think that the lack of light is helpful to me. So I turn on extra lights. And the honey comes home from work and turns them off to save money. So I turn them back on and dare him to touch them. I think the drear is something that makes people want to decorate a lot more for Christmas. How did we live with just a Christmas tree with lights on it. Lets put red everywhere in the house. In every room, on every surface. There, that takes care of the drear. But then there is January. It is time. Time to come up with an excuse to decorate with color and lights for the winter months. Let's get our thinking caps on.