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Thursday, April 14, 2016

Mindfullness

I keep hearing about mindfullness or mindfulness or something. I don't know what it means but I do know what it means to me. It means focusing, not drifting. I have found that, unbeknownst to me, I have not focused for most of my life. There have been periods of focus but not enough. Like when I meet someone new, I forget their name right off the bat. Why? because I don't focus. I've decided to focus on this and see what I have been missing. I'll say more later.
 

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Did you know?

It's not necessarily a good thing to have a good memory. Especially when memories aren't good ones.

Sometimes down feels like a small death. Sometimes it stays around for a long time. And when there isn't someone to talk to it feels like a larger death.

I don't think I can overcome things without a kick in the ass. Anyone know a good way to kick yourself in the ass?

Staying alone too much isn't good for you.

Buying things doesn't fix anything.

Closet cleaning is good for the soul. And Spring. And pets.

I'm now going to clean out a closet.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

I give up

I have been buying the National Enquirer. I'll admit it. I don't particularly like the magazine but I love the puzzles. Now I have made a vow to never buy it again. There is an article that says Trump must win. I am so disgusted that I threw it away. Good riddance to bad bad bad rubbish.

Monday, November 30, 2015

whatever

Can we talk? Sometimes I look around at my life and I don't see much. I've been through my share of joy and heartbreak. Haven't we all? But the Holiday Season always makes me ponder where I am and where I'm going. So here it is. I am stuck. By my own behavior. I write in a journal and I found some pages from 2007. They are roughly comparable to those I write today. And I'm the first to acknowledge that I'm to blame for the lack of change. Lazy? Maybe! But I really don't want to own up to that. I am at least a champion procrastinator. And there are a couple of more things to figure out. I can't choose things like paint colors etc because I'm afraid to make a mistake. Like it would be life threatening to choose a paint color that doesn't work. And I want to get back to some of the creative things I used to do. What to do first? Damned if I know. That requires a choice. And then there is the difficulty of focus on a task. I don't do it well. I lose interest easily and often leave things half done. That of course stares back at me demanding that I do something but it is so easy to procrastinate. I've read that making lists helps. But one can procrastinate that too. So while I whirl around trying to light on something, I'm just going to try and enjoy the lights, music, and feeling of the season and forgive myself for being uh ..........whatever.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Post Post

I wanted to be a hippie. Never had the nerve. I wanted to be a dog person. I pulled that one off. Above you see Cheyenne. She was the size of her head when she came to us and now she's a big girl. Please pardon the red eye. Anyway, I had a Thanksgiving time to remember the past. As always I remember the times when the family was together and we had the big dinner, etc. Now I'm in another life. But I am thankful. I am still a peace freak. I still believe love and peace are the most important things ever. And I still love to be around my dogs. They are ever a joy. After a quiet Thanksgiving I find myself very grateful.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Sometimes

It's hard to know when I'm making a mistake. I see things one way and I'm happy with my perception. But he sees them another. I remember growing up that I never knew what would make my mother angry. It just seemed to come out of the blue. And my sense of unfairness at the situation always made my angry and hurt. After all, how does one know when they are making an error in judgement if not told that the behavior is not good. I used to come home from school every day with a feeling of dread because I never knew what to expect when I got home. Lately it's been happening again. Or at least it feels the same.

Have I changed or has he? Or is this just a fluke? I am often second guessing myself because of the increase in age. Do I still have any judgement? Is my brain working? Am I just prone to make mistakes in thinking? When you grow up with a situation like mine it's hard not to second guess every move, thought, or belief. One thing I am sure of, if there is a period of general calm and good feelings, it will end. With a bang, often. And not to sound paranoid, I think I'm just not meant to have peace. I don't think I actively seek out drama. But the choices I've made seem to lead me there. I have needed to put thought into the outcomes of my actions and even then I make wrong decisions.

What you are hearing from me now is a really bad case of depression. I'm scared of what the future might hold if some things don't get resolved. I was told many years ago by my therapist that I have abandonment depression. And that means an irrational fear of being left alone. Of a lack of acceptance, and of not being good enough. I've worked really hard over the last 25 years since the divorce and I thought I had a handle on the crappy self esteem. But then here it is. I can't call it the black dog because I have a black dog. It is, for me, more of a black fog. Dense, with no light shining through. And above all else, it is painful. It really hurts, physically. I want to shrink, to hide, and to never again see the light of day. I'm so tired.

Friday, July 17, 2015



It's a blue funk. It's depression. It's sadness squared. It's frustration. It's all of these and more. I turned 70 on the 7th of July. Is this the reason for the feelings? No, I don't think so. So far, 70 is a lot like being 69. I'm just going to have to place the blame elsewhere. Like the fact that I had set up in my mind that I wanted to lose a certain amount of weight by 70. Didn't. And I wanted to be organized by 70. Still not. And I wanted to have my goals somewhat accomplished by 70 and still no. It's as if I set myself up for failure. Yep, that's what it is. New goal-----try not to set up goals that I am not going to do well on. It's time to search for smaller goals that I can accomplish, like maybe daily ones.

AS far as the weight loss thing, the surgery only takes you so far. A great jump start. If you go into the surgery thinking you'll never have to diet again, you might as well not get cut. I found quickly that I can eat every hour. Just not so much at a time. And I found that I still have a taste for carbs and that hasn't lessened at all. Nor have the excuses I give myself for the poor eating. I'm really good at lying to myself. And I found that being organized is a huge deal. (check paragraph one). In short, I haven't been good at changing anything but the size of my stomach. And someone else did that for me.

I have a few things to recommend in spite of the lack of organization. I have joined Bookbub.com. I am pleased to say that I have been able to cut my book spending by a lot. I have two Kindles and they are both full of books to read. I'm trying to keep my mind busy instead of eating. Bookbub offers an array of books by email every day for the kindle or other reading ap. And the books go from free to about 1.99. You choose your genres and get several offers. All of course from amazon. It is a great way to get reading matter without filling up the house with things that will eventually hit a land fill.

I have something to say about my mental state. Yes I do depression, and I do it well. Part of my problem may be a form of ADD. I've never been diagnosed and I'm not going to try now. But I'm easily distracted, have trouble sitting still and even reading a super book for over 30 minutes without getting up to do something. It is a pain in the ________. I've been reading about mindful living, mindful eating, mindful loving. I spent the whole of my younger life doing a lot of avoiding, reacting, afraid of what's coming, and not being proactive about much of anything. My children suffered. And now that I realize what mindful living is, I'm trying to be more engaged in life in every way. I have a mile long list of shouldn'ts, can'ts, don'ts, and the guilt that goes along with not doing things right. I remember going to a school function dressed all wrong and wondering why I didn't know the right way to do things. I was disconnected from life. Bouncing along on my lonely road by myself. I had no idea how to find things out. I'm doing better now. And I'm happier now. It all seems to boil down to the self-confidence needed to carry off life. I'm working on it, mindfully as possible.