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Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Latest

It's been about 6 weeks since my weight loss surgery. I've lost weight but now I wonder if I haven't traded being fat and mad at myself for being slow to lose and mad at myself. I went to a support group meeting and there were people there who had surgery on the same day as me and they had lost more. I was totally disheartened. I totally forgot about the fact that weight loss depends on other factors than just what is eaten.

I have been reading a book about how to have a fuller life. It suggests serendipity listing. For example: instead of focusing on my feelings of failure, I could write down that my neck is a lot smaller and some necklaces I couldn't wear now fit. Rings are fitting and may be getting too big. I've been able to get into things I couldn't wear and my old clothes are now getting way too big. I'm walking all of the way around a grocery store without needing to sit down. Most of the time I make it through the day without a nap.

I've been going through my closet and a couple of other things and I took 9 large bags of things to a thrift store this morning. I truly think that the people who see a lot of these things will be getting a big bargain. But from here on out I'll try to sell some things, mainly clothes and jewelry. I will probably need some new clothes and it would be nice to have the money.

One thing that has occurred is that I now need to get some more things done in the house. Painting and cleaning, sewing and crafting. I took the wallpaper down in the kitchen and other rooms and never finished the job. Got a bad back and fat. It certainly slowed me down and gave me an excuse to not finish. Well there is another excuse. The paper under the plastic of the wallpaper won't come off for me. Unbelievable. So I'm going to hire painting and wall prep, etc. I suppose now that I'm beginning to look better, I want my surroundings to help keep me feeling good. I know that if the house is a wreck I'm depressed and that doesn't help the health situation. I also know that the clutter is a hindrance to cleaning. Since I perceive my style to be simple bohemian I'm focusing on the simple right now. I had so many tops in my closet I couldn't see them all and there were tons of them that didn't fit or that I wouldn't wear. I also bought a lot of clothes to make myself feel better. And some of them were big mistakes. I'm going to ebay them.

I'm supposed to be eating pureed foods now. I can't say enough about how much I'm ready to say goodbye to that. But I have developed a fondness for tuna. With a bit of mayo and sweet relish. And I'm going to be forever grateful to fat free cottage cheese. I feel almost like I'm eating real food. As is my habit I've ordered several books with recipes even though I've rarely followed a recipe ever. So I'm going to take the books on the surgery without recipes and see if anyone wants them at the next support group meeting. And I'm being really grateful for the fact that fish is easily mashed.

I'm looking forward to getting out of plus sizes. I still look at clothes on the internet. I don't know where I belong and I'm reluctant to buy. It's amazing that I didn't look more carefully before. I still have a large midsection and a lot of things for plus ladies have a waistline, which I lost a long time ago. Pull on stretch pants have been a saving grace for me. But now I'd sort of like to have a pair of jeans. I don't like the really low waisted jeans because I think they make a woman who isn't skinny look thick in the middle. But I'd like some jeans that don't look fat. That don't look like mom jeans. That don't have big legs but aren't so tight they wrinkle. And that don't have a camel toe. But they say patience is a virtue. And in the meantime I'll go to the Y a couple of days a week and try to do something about the belly.

I've heard people say their surgery didn't work. I've heard people say they are sorry they had the surgery. I cannot agree. I am no longer diabetic, and my sleep apnea has greatly improved. The daily irritations are really no more than I had getting older and being fat. The benefits are super. I can breathe. I can cross my legs. I'm able to get up off the floor without help. I'm pleased.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Is it getting old or diet or what?

Sometimes I'm amazed at how hungry I'm not. And sometimes I'm surprised at how hungry I am. Since the surgery I've been on liquids with a few sneaks here and there. I'm of the opinion that liquids don't do much to satisfy me no matter how much I take in. So I'm looking forward to the Dr. visit tomorrow so I can move on to pureed stuff. I assume they will teach me how to go about eating the pureed foods and will give me some idea as to what I can eat. Meanwhile I just look forward to the 3 month visit to start real food.

I am having a couple of problems. I've been sore. Muscle and joint sore. I am getting plenty of protein and not much exercise. So this problem could just be this old body being ticked off that I'm putting it through all of this. I suppose time will tell. I've only lost 25 pounds so far. I'm far too impatient. If I had lost 25 pounds without the surgery I'd think I moved the earth. Funny how that works.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Silence

Wonder why the very day you need a shoulder to lean on all hell breaks loose and you are left lacerated as if by a knife. I don't want to have to prove my strength over and over. I'm done.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

How I am old

I'm a firm believer in starting over. But you have to start over from where you are. And I am working on the phase 1 of my bariatric diet. Liquid. And more liquid. And protein drinks. And more protein drinks. I am reminding myself of some of the things I have read. And forgotten. And every day I'm going to have to remind myself of how I got here. And start over.

Monday, March 3, 2014

One week

I am one week post surgery. I had the vertical sleeve gastrectomy last Monday. I'm amazed about some of the things I've learned. First, the surgery was much easier than I thought it would be. I was up and about and walking at the end of the first day and at the end of the second I had been taken off all IV's and was doing quite well. I received a trio of infusions of iron because I've been really anemic all my life and we need to fix it. I learned to give myself shots in my abdomen for breaking up any blood clots that appear. It turned out to be no big deal. I talked in my semi-sleep and didn't notice what was on TV. I've had to learn not to take big gulps of anything. I've had to learn not to scratch what itches if it's in the region of my stomach. And now the second week begins.

My honeybear went back to work today. He had taken a week off from work to take care of me. And he was wonderful. Except for a few small things. I'm not getting a break from the constant question "are you alright?" and I'm now getting up to do things myself. He fussed at me for not moving around enough and then wouldn't let me get up to get a glass of water. But it was nice to be so well cared for.

I hadn't lost any weight when I got home from the hospital and for a couple of days after. So I've decided to move my scale into the guest bath so I won't be tempted to beat myself up about it and I've decided to only weigh on Sunday morning. If I forget, the next week is soon enough. I've done years of self flagellation about things I don't do right. Enough is enough.

I was exhausted when I got up this morning and went to the grocery store right away because the weather is supposed to get bad and I needed a few things. When I got home I napped and I think I'm ready to move a bit. If anyone says weight loss surgery is the easy way out, they are nuts. It is a good tool to help get control of my body but the ultimate control is mental. Working on that.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

I did it

Monday I had weight loss surgery. I am glad to report that I lived through it. I'm home since about noon yesterday. Sore, and not yet noticing things. I have found out that drinking too fast and too much was a problem. All my systems are go and I quickly am feeling better now in my own place. Just after the surgery one must be there all the time to write down intake, help to the bathroom, and generally watch over the patient. My lovely s-i-l sister stayed with me the first night and I"ll never be able to repay her kindness. The whole experience has been terrific so far. The hospital was Tennova and I've never been to a better hospital. Boy have I been lucky.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

A Bad Day?

I wish I could have felt this way all of my life. And sometimes I wish I could know where my feelings and beliefs come from. I have wanted to be pretty all of my life. Somehow when I was young I got the feeling that I could only be OK if I were pretty. Not pretty in spite of something. Not you would be pretty if you weren't ....... Just pretty. I have no idea where I got the idea that I needed that. When I had daughters I asked my husband if I was as pretty as they were and he said no. Of course by then he didn't like anything about me. But he was right. They are both beautiful and I am still trying to be pretty.

Since I have gained so much weight, I have looked in the mirror every day and been truly disgusted by what I saw. Totally disgusted. I have a good relationship with my sig other and he says I'm pretty. I'm gratified to know that he thinks I'm pretty but I still don't. And sadly, my opinion of myself colors all aspects of my relationship with him and with everyone else. And, in an effort to feel better I've bought enough clothes and jewelry to outfit several women. I have so much of both that I can't keep up with them and stick to uniforms-wearing the same things all of the time.

With the weight loss surgery coming up I am wondering how the changes will affect my psyche. I would love to think that I'm prepared for the changes and I am spending a lot of time reading about and learning about the aftermath. I think one of my goals is just to feel comfortable in my body just once in my life. That would be nice.